Northern Lights

Toward the end of August the days were really starting to shorten and the nights were getting pretty cool.  We were finally getting some Northern Light weather!

We had a couple good displays - and every time the colors would show up my Captain would yell at me because he knew I'd want to take pictures.

We were usually on the water which mean we were rolling a bit.  Plus, the lights themselves are moving!  The shutter speed had to be so slow and the aperture had to be so large - it was pretty hard not to take blurry photos.  I fully intend to bring a tripod back to work with me to set up on the dock or beach.  

I posted a lot of these on Instagram but figured I'd share them here too.

This wasn't the first light show we got but it was definitely our first brighter show.  A streak of very vibrant green right over the camp.  It stayed pretty stationary so we could really take pictures.

The second time I got the big camera out there was a little bit more ambient light which was exciting but, what was really exciting was all the purple!

The colors were swirling around each other and undulating and, you can kind of tell in the photos.  

One of my favorite things about the photos is that the stars show through.  I love looking back and noticing that in the green photo over camp pleiades is a little cluster - and stuck into all this purple is the big dipper.  

Seeing the Northern Lights has been on my 'at sea wish list' for years.  I seriously can't wait to go back and see more once the Arctic gets a little more wintery.  

If you're curious about the Northern Lights here is a good explanation.  

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly.

Apparently, I'm incredibly naive.  You know how I thought the blog was anonymous?  Not so much.  People have known who I was for awhile!

i'm still going to post pictures of my feet....

Do I want to password protect the blog?  Yes.  Do I also want to share a female perspective with you all?  Yes.  Do I hope some chick reads this blog someday and thinks, 'wow, I'm not the only one having these thoughts...'?  Yes.  

Do I feel incredibly self conscious about some of the content I've posted through the years?  YES.

Do you know what I am?  Fucking stubborn.  Here's a whole slew of posts I wouldn't necessarily want someone digging up in the archives.  I did the hard work for you!  It's hard to embarrass someone on their own terms.  

2010.  First year blogging.  I was 2M on a tanker in the Persian Gulf.  I tried to discuss crying on tankers, getting rid of 'mad-ons' and a female perspective.  I wove it into a post about ballast water exchanges.  Hella Awkward.  Mad On's...  In this same era I post that I hate changing Nav Lights.  Ridiculous.   Remember the time I went psycho about beans?  I had completely forgotten!  I never said anything but this was the time I was on a tanker that went aground.  Good times.  

This was the moment the blog changed for me.  I wrote about my Uncle Rocket.  I shared the post with my Cousin Rhiannon and, it connected us.  Rhiannon has changed my life.  I have the blog to thank for that.

This post was also written in 2010 and like whoa depressing.  What cracks me up is I didn't even know what a shitty rotation was like back then...I just thought I did...

One time I went to see the lava.  It has nothing to do with anything but I love the photos.

There was the time I discovered instagram.  Still love it.  

In 2011 I went on a rant about Pirates.  My friends know they make me mental.  They youtube links are no longer embedded.  You'll have to cut and paste them...

I blogged about spiders at my house.  I joke here buuutttt...this mayyybee made me move out of my house...maybe....

I turned 28.

She believed she could so she did.  I passed my Chief Mate exams.  I also let the universe fill me.  

I used to talk to a semi boyfriend on the single side band.  Glory Days.

The first time I thought I'd have a collision at sea.  I was scared.  This phrase 'attitude the difference between adventure and ordeal' gets searched more and leads more people to my blog than anything else.  It's still 2011.

I reposted a crazy email I wrote about a 'lifeboat incident'.  Historiauntie still mentions it.  So I know it's crazy :)  Here are more lifeboat shenanigans from fairly early on in my career.  

Oh.  My.  Gosh.  I found the post where I explained Nautie Mermate.  I elaborated that I was looking for a Merman.  Hahahahah!  Yaaaaaasssss!!!!!!

I wrote this post about whoring around and guys actually got pissed.  I got blog hate mail.  No lie.

I bitch about cadets.  I still think this is true.  You should be able to roll a cadet up in a gym mat and beat them.  Just saying.   

The time I fucked up big time.  

There was a blue church in the Azores that I loved.  That is all.  

Manarola Italy - Loved it there - also had a shipboard romance.

I shared a bit about my family.  Specifically, my Uncle Bob.

I think this might be my first Mettle Maker - but there were so many more.  

Somewhere in the time period around the Mettle Makers I start to talk more directly about being a woman at sea.  I wrote My Meow is Effin Fierce.  The title still cracks me up...

Then I wrote an open letter to the Dudes of MMA.  This was about the time I realized He for She was a thing.

I became a MerCaptain.  There was very little fanfare.  

I got a job on containerships - and then I got a job on a tanker - and then I got a job on tugboats.  Somewhere in there, I read Brave Enough and decided to write mini essays but never followed through.  (This is something I kind of want to keep doing....)

Ooooh...this is an embarrassing post....I wrote all about Beyoncé.  Ha.  

I got to go North up into the Ice.  I had a blast on a tugboat and knew I had made a good choice to leave the ships.

More recently I wrote about some mistakes.  

Sometimes, I blog drunk.  Truth.  

That brings us to the here and now.  I figured out this week the blog wasn't anonymous.  The idea is growing on me.  

Bottom line?  I've had so much fun blogging here over the years.  The blog isn't going anywhere.

Not so anonymous.

Something happened today.  It's something I always knew might happen.  In fact, it didn't actually happen today.  It began happening organically for the last few months.  This little blog o' mine lost its anonymity.  It came to a head today when work emailed me asking to use some of my blog content in their newsletter.

I immediately called my Dad to discuss.  As one does.

He said, 'you've been posting pictures of your feet and your coffee mugs for a long time...why don't you want them to know who you are?'.  To which I replied something like, 'Daaaad!!!!  All of the feeeeelllings!!!!'.  

I followed up the call to my Dad with a call to my Cousin, a call to my Bestie, a call to my Mom and, a few texts.  As one does.

In the end, everyone had the same question:  why does it bother you that it's not anonymous?

Most people said, 'just own it'.

The answer feels complicated but, really it's quite simple.  

It's a lot to own because it's just so personal.

Sure, there are things that get thrown into the mix because nothing is ever simple.  Things like, I started blogging at 26.  I wrote about things that I wouldn't write about today.   Some of my views have changed through the years - do I go back in time and delete content?  There are other things like, if some of the guys from work read about my feelings would they judge me harshly?  More importantly, why do I care...isn't that the bigger issue?

I ran across a quote from Steve Jobs that rang true.

“That’s been one of my mantras – focus and simplicity. Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains.”

— Steve Jobs

Do you want to know the truth?  Blogging anonymously was a bit of a cop out.  I could write my little heart out - rant and rave - and never be held fully accountable.  

In this case, simple is harder.  Not being anonymous is simpler.  It's also going to be a challenge.  I will have to work harder to get my thinking clean.  

Maybe, just maybe, having to 'own it' will be liberating.  

The Mine

Bridget asked me a question while I was at work and I rudely never responded!  I'm here to rectify this!

“So is the tug going really slow to get these calm, quiet looking photos? Pushing/pulling a large barge?”

— Bridget

Here is the operation in a nutshell:

I was working at the Port Site of a mine.  The mine is approximately 50-60 miles inland.  The product (ore) is trucked to large buildings that act as holding facilities.  At the Port Site the product is moved from the buildings to 'the cells' on a belt system.  The cells are basically an Offshore Terminal.  This isn't the most correct description because they aren't very far offshore but it will work.  

the cells

Once the product is loaded onto a barge at the cells it is towed to the anchorage where it is discharged to a ship.  There are normally three to four ships waiting in the anchorage for product.

There are two barges and four tugs.  Each barge has a dedicated tugboat and either end (the anchorage and the cells) has an assist boat.  When things are running smoothly the barges are simultaneously loading at the cells and discharging at the ship. 

tug and barge headed to anchorage

I was on the assist boat working the cells however; we were also kind of the 'work boat'.  Meaning, we would work the ship too if it freed up the outside boat to make up to the loaded barge faster.  Our primary function was to keep the operation moving as efficiently as possible.  

the anchorage - you can see that both tugs are made up to the barge as they make their ship approach

It takes approximately three hours to load a barge.  This meant that every three hours we would 'pop' a loaded barge off the cells and then meet the empty barge to 'land' them at the cells.  Once the empty barge was landed we'd have three hours until we did it all over again- so we'd tie up to the dock with that barges tug - and this is why it looked so calm in my photos!  We were tied up!

landing alongside the ship - the yokohama fenders were critical

The port site is north of the Arctic Circle which gives it a fairly well defined season.  The tugs and barges headed up in June and will be heading home by the end of October.  Lots of people just work the full season.  I did a pier head jump from one tug to this tug - which means I was ready for a break!  I'm home for a month and then hopefully I'll head back up to finish the season.

There you have it!

**I realize this post was super 'nuts and boltsy' but, well, it was work which is kind of 'nuts and boltsy'...

Expiration Dates.

I haven't written in two months.  You know what that means, right?  I've been drinking and feel like I have something to say.

I went to see my financial planner today.  I made an appointment with a CPA.  I called utility companies.  

You know why all that happened?  Because I can never escape the fact that my career feels like it comes with an expiration date.  

I've officially been sailing for eleven years.  Do you know what I've never figured out?  How to stop.  Oh trust me, there are other things I haven't figured out but, the thing that plagues me?Why the eff don't I want to stop sailing?  Because there is an inherent truth....if I wanted to stop I would.  

I'm sitting cross legged on my love seat (you know the one that I bought in Houston, let sit in a storage unit for over a year and then shipped home to Hawaii unnecessarily?) sipping a cocktail, admiring my home made cinderblock bookshelf and rocking out to Fleetwood Mac (although I'm not rocking out too loudly because I have airbnb guests upstairs...).

It is seriously times like these when I think, 'is this all going to make sense some day?'.  

Don't get me wrong, there is another part of me that thinks, 'why does it all need to make sense?!'.  

It doesn't negate the fact that there is a constant battle in my head...

At sea this last go around, I felt some old wounds start to heal.  Itchy scabs of past hurts.  Confession?  I didn't know some of these wounds existed until I felt the uncomfortable growth of new skin.  It surprised me.  It made me grateful for new friendships.  It embarrassed me.  

Bottom line?  I felt happy.  Happy at work for the first time in actual years.  YEARS.

It was simultaneously overwhelming and exhilarating.  All of the feelings.  All of the fun.

There really isn't an answer to how many years I have left.  There are vodka limes.  There are lit candles.  There are good sleeps.  There are watercolor post cards thanking friends for all they do in my absence.  There is a fridge full of fresh veggies.  There is housework to complete.  There are excursions.  There is no answer.  

I have a month home this go around.  Enjoy home I tell myself.  Relax I tell myself.  

...and then this is what it boils down to...there is no answer...I just have to keep on keepin' on.  

Want to know where the blog went?  Straight to my brain.  It's all here.  It's ripe for the picking.  I just never know anymore how much to share and how much to savor.  How much of myself should just be laying out there for people to read.  It just doesn't feel as straight forward as it once did.  

Here's to cocktails.  Here's to vacation. Here's to expiration dates.  

Here's also to saying fuck all of it.  All.  Of.  It.    

Seal Baby

I was on the stern when I saw a little baby seal.  This is actually the second time I've seen this seal.  Of course it happened to be the exact moment I was dumping the card on my digital camera so I run back there with my phone.  By this time the seal has seen me coming and has gone under.

...so I did what anyone in their right mind would do... I banged on the side of the hull with my hand and called, 'seal baby!  come back seal babbbbyyy!'.  The fact that no one saw me doing this is probably a good thing however; seal baby came back!  He checked me out and I took a quick pick with my phone.

Fast forward to later in the afternoon - seal baby is back and sunning his (her) face.  My camera is up and running and I start behaving like a paparazzi.

Seal baby was quite a ways out but, lucky for me he slowly started drifting towards my boat.

Doesn't he look blissed right out?

He kept getting closer and closer.

By this time Seal Baby is CLOSE.

....and then he spots me and opens his eyes....

 I'm in LOVE.

I mean seriously, you gotta love this face.

I hope Seal Baby comes back for more adventures!

The guys on the boat think we should name the baby Lucille.  Get it? 

Here's to Seal Baby and the reminder to keep our faces to the Sun!