On Sunday, I stood up in front of all the BiSCuits and cried. I had no idea why I was standing up to let out all of the feelings…..or why I was crying….until I was up there.
Somewhere between going into the ugly cry and starting to talk I knew.
I was lonely. I wanted to tell everyone how lonely I had been.
Here’s how it all began:
I had been following a particular blog for years…eventually I clicked through some of her links…and then I was following other blogs that I lurved. I mean, really and truly lurved. These blogs were the icing on my cake.
I’d stumble into my room late at night after cargo ops. I’d be wound up not able to sleep…knowing I needed to trust the Junior Mate on Watch….and I’d read these blogs until I could take a cat nap….knowing that I’d get at least one call before o’dark thirty and that my alarm would sound well before I was rested.
I learned things important like: Screaming Nicki Minaj was totally allowed or, who got kicked of The Bachelorette. I stayed in touch with the world. What was hip? What were people listening to on the radio? What everyone was eating.
As I read these other blogs I learned more about myself. I was capable, competent, and in Charge of My Reality. I started calling the shots at work – and in my own life.
Except, somewhere along the way…
I got tired of doing things by myself all the time.
I’m an only child. I’m programmed to do things solo. Going to the beach with friends? Megan’s packed her coloring book, crayons and, head phones. She would like to lie here in silence please… Between being a lady sailor, being on the go constantly and being naturally comfortable flying solo I was constantly on my own.
Things got a little more complicated when I promoted to Chief Mate. I hate to say something this cliche but, ‘it’s lonely at the top’.
People don’t really want to hang out with their boss. Not when they’re signing their overtime sheets. I don’t want to have to deal with the ramifications of becoming ‘overly friendly’. When I need someone to go do something I don’t want to explain myself – or be in a situation where I feel obligated to explain myself.
Plus, I’m standoffish.
Very. I really don’t mean to be. But listen, you can only stand so many midnight watches with weirdos…there comes a time where ‘polite chit-chat’ is no longer in your vocabulary. I have stood in complete silence other than to issue directions for hours. Hours. In awkward silence that I can 100% ignore. Tell me that doesn’t make you slightly jaded?
When I signed up for Bloggers in Sin City it was a whim. I was in the Middle of the Atlantic and I thought, ‘maybe they’ll be my friends…’. Seriously. That’s what I thought.
I was looking for something, and I didn’t know what it was.
Now I know. I now know that out on the interwebz exists a Community. a Tribe. a People….like me….or not like me…which makes it even better. Fuller – Warmer – More.
There were times where I wanted to silently slip away and hope no one noticed. There were times I was convinced no one would notice. I was nervous. Anxious. Cautious. I didn’t introduce myself to everyone. I didn’t talk to nearly as many people as I wanted to. I could have put myself out there a little more. Here’s the BUT. Every single person I had the pleasure of chatting with at BiSC blew my mind with their coolness. They were genuinely good people who want good things for other people. Sometimes I feel like I live in a dog eat dog world but, at BiSC I could slowly feel my guard get let down.
Thank you all for that. Big. HUGE. Mahalo’s.
I heard people say BiSC has changed their lives. I think for me it’s too soon to know. What I will say is that BiSC has heightened my awareness. It’s made me realize that a ‘more’ is there. I can do more, be more, share more, laugh more, cry more and love more. I am more of a Mermate than I ever have been before.
The next time loneliness sneaks up on me I’m going to say, ‘Don’t be such a mermaid!’….then I’m going to tweet some BiSCuits.
I want to remember this moment for the rest of my life…