There is always some point in my rotation where I get dark and cloudy. Today was that day. I start thinking too hard. I get worried that I'm not using my life for good. I think what really happens is that the romance wears thin and reality sets in. I'm sitting at anchor on a tanker with over a million gallons of jet fuel - for what?! I'm not serving a greater cause! I'm not adventuring! I'm not trying new foods and meeting new people! I'm simply waiting for vacation - and again, for what?! So I can rush off to my union school and upgrade my license! Then what?!

I've been reading some other maritime-y blogs. I read things like 'oh how I love the smell of epoxy' - you do?! I say, if you can smell epoxy it means the space isn't properly ventilated! Are you sure you aren't actually high off the smell of epoxy?! If I'm honest with myself I realize that I'm just jealous. I want to be able to complete a rotation without hating my job by the end of it! By the time my vacation is up I'm getting itchy feet...I never understand how I can want to come back to work knowing that in 90 days I'll be dark and cloudy!

It's not just that the romance is gone...it's the people. When I get dark and cloudy there are people that I can't even look at without getting irritated. Today in the mess deck I had a melt down - those of you who know me know that there is no stopping me once I get started (I'm like my Mother that way). I overheard the Captain having a discussion with the Steward....the conversation went like this:

Capt: Are people eating the beans?

Steward: No not that much....

Capt: What do you think about laying off the beans for awhile?

Steward: Okay.....

Capt: How about making a little pasta instead.

The Captain then came into the mess deck and I pounced:

Me: Did you just tell the Steward not to make beans?!

Capt: No....

Me: Yes you did!!! I HEARD you!!! You said 'LAY OFF THE BEANS!!!'

Capt: No....I said lets make a little pasta!

Me: NO! YOU SAID LAY OFF THE BEANS!!!! THAT MEANS THAT WE AREN'T GOING TO HAVE BEANS ANYMORE!!!!!

I'm looking around the room and everyone is just staring at me like I've really really lost my marbles...so then I address the crowd:

Me: You guys are all thinking the same thing except I'm the only one with the balls to say anything!! Beans are a FIFTY CENT meal! I know for a fact that there are people who eat the beans EVERYDAY! Beans are a protein and pasta is a carbohydrate! We are ADULTS we should be able to eat beans when we want beans! The Steward is not going to make beans and pasta! You mark my words there won't be any beans tomorrow!!!! *I look around the room with accusation in my eyes* Thanks for backing me up you guys!!! Just wait until you want beans and there aren't any!

Cheif Engineer: I think you guys are all full of beans!

Me: THIS ISN'T FUNNY! WE AREN'T GOING TO HAVE ANY FREAKIN' BEANS!!!!!

I just got done reading a book called The Help. My favorite maid in the book was Minny....at one point in the book Minny says, 'I tell myself, Tuck it in, Minny. Tuck in whatever might fly out my mouth and tuck in my behind too.'

I really need to tuck it in too. I have no idea how I'm not fired. I have a problem with sass-mouthing just like Minny. Being dark and cloudy is no excuse for a melt down over beans....but really, it's my only excuse!

The bean incident spread through the ship like wild fire. Everyone heard about it by coffee time. People were coming up to me saying things like: 'thanks for sticking up for us Mate!' and 'if I was there I would have backed you up!'. Unbelievable. This is what I'm talking about! The fact that the bean meltdown is headline news is pathetic. I really need to get off this floating trailer park.