I'm sure you have all picked up on the fact that my attitude has been less than stellar. I normally try to keep the blog on the more positive side - with a few rants thrown in here and there (remember the bean incident?!). However, I'm having a really hard time doing that...so I figured I'd get it right out in the open. I'm having a tough rotation. For some reason this rotation just feels hard. The kicker is that I can't figure out what is making it seem so hard. I can obviously pin point a few things that are contributing factors - but the bottom line is I've survived worse - with a better attitude! I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm depressed....but I just don't feel happy.

Because I've been feeling so down I've been brainstorming ways to perk myself up. I mean after all....I know life is grand! I especially know that my life is grand! I've been thinking about gratitude....more specifically I've been thinking that I should be more grateful. Last Thanksgiving I posted about some of the things I was grateful for......and today when I went to create a similar post I drew a blank! As far as I'm concerned that's just unacceptable!

It always seems that as soon as something is at the forefront of your mind it turns up everywhere you look. I stumbled upon this quote about gratitude today.

BE GRATEFUL TO THOSE WHO HAVE HURT OR HARMED YOU, FOR THEY HAVE REINFORCED YOUR DETERMINATION.

BE GRATEFUL TO THOSE WHO HAVE DECEIVED YOU, FOR THEY HAVE DEEPENED YOUR INSIGHT.

BE GRATEFUL TO THOSE WHO HAVE HIT YOU, FOR THEY HAVE REDUCED YOUR KARMIC OBSTACLES.

BE GRATEFUL TO THOSE WHO ABANDONED YOU, FOR THEY HAVE TAUGHT YOU TO BE INDEPENDENT.

BE GRATEFUL TO THOSE WHO HAVE MADE YOU STUMBLE, FOR THEY HAVE STRENGTHENED YOUR ABILITY.

BE GRATEFUL TO THOSE WHO HAVE DENOUNCED YOU, FOR THEY HAVE INCREASED YOUR WISDOM AND CONCENTRATION.

" — Venerable Master Chin Kung

Now, while I had originally been thinking about being grateful for things and stuff after reading this quote, I realized that maybe I should shift my gratitude focus to people, experiences and opportunities. Because I'm not going to lie...I'm having a hard time finding common ground and establishing relationships with some of my shipmates (remember when I said I could pin point some things.....well...this would be the biggie).

Because I was a permanent crew member on my last ship for 3 years I was deeply entrenched in "shipboard culture'. I had friends! People I want to stay in touch with. When I was being a biatch someone told me so! To my face! When the Chief Mate was getting cranky I'd tell him to take a nap - and he'd trust me to manage cargo without an oil spill! I really took for granted the level of camaraderie and trust that occurred daily.

I'm grateful that I was able to experience being a member of a cohesive crew - I'm grateful that I learned how to be a good shipmate - I'm grateful that I learned how to work hard (and play hard) - I'm grateful that people took the time to teach me.

Now, that I'm in a new environment and am slightly floundering I'm grateful that I've gained perspective.

Maybe by the end of my rotation I'll be able to say 'I'm grateful for being able to sail with such great new shipmates'. I promise I'll work on this....but don't hold your breath.