I'm back at work - and you know what that means - more absolutely bizarre conversations. My Life Is So Weird. Back ground: after we've been in port for a few days house sanitary tends to slip by the wayside and sometimes the common heads get pretty yucky...like rivals a third world nation hole in the ground yucky...

I had to go to the bathroom really bad and opened the door to the head. It looked like someone had had explosive diarrhea. I almost threw up in my mouth - slammed the door shut and then ran up a deck to the next common head. (For the record I could use my own head but that's about four decks up...too far!). I fly open the next door and there is no toilet paper.

I was standing in the passage way trying to make a decision. Do I run and get TP? Do I run up to my own room? Do I grab some paper napkins from the galley?

Just then the First Assistant Engineer walks by and sees me awkwardly standing in the passageway.

1AE: you okay mate?

ME: I need some toilet paper.

1AE: ummm. (Insert: I can tell he thinks I just pooped my pants and have a mess to clean up...). Too much information?

ME: no, I mean there is none in here...and the head down a deck....have you seen it?

1AE: all I know is someone on here has a butthole like a cat.

Pause...

We both start laughing hysterically.

clearly these instructions go unheeded...