Towards the end of my rotation I tend to get a bit cranky. Specifically, my last two or three days aboard. I find myself on edge. I'm a little bundle of stress, nerves and, tension. Even though I know I'll feel this way it always amazes me. It doesn't really seem to make sense. I'm on the brink of going home! I have things to look forward to! Soon, I can make my own dinner and go out for a coffee; I can buy flowers for my house; I can sleep in! I think what happens is that I get focused on too many little details. Am I leaving things in good order for my relief? Did I remember to print that out for the Captain? Did I send a follow up email to so and so? Did I log all the changes to the charts? Did I print new pages for the log books? The list could go on forever...

While I'm focusing on all these little details I'm also packing and cleaning my room. I'm trying to fit all the stuff I bought in port back into my luggage....it never really works and invariably, I need to leave things behind....like work pants or boots.

I'm also trying to make plans shoreside. Making plans to visit friends and figuring out an itinerary for myself. Deciding when the best time to drive across the country is and whether or not I should go ahead and book my ticket to Hawaii.

Here's the catch: I have no idea when I'm going home!

I thought I was going home three days ago....but, we still haven't left for the next port yet....which means that there was no way I'd make it. In fact, the reliefs who flew out to meet us in the next port are still sitting in their hotel rooms.....and will be flying home tomorrow! Sad Face!

What am I stuck with?! Permanent crankiness and no travel plans!

The thing is....I'd rather just not know that it was time to go home....that way channel fever would have no way of setting in. It's easy to do 120 days aboard when you know that is what you're signing up for....

I've been trying to get myself to mellow out a bit....by simply being ready to leave (as in have everything in order) but not fixated on going home. This is much easier said than done.

In the meantime, I'm just trying to manage the crank....and not worry about my lack of travel.....or that I haven't booked my ticket to Hawaii yet!