M.L.I.S.W :: Olivia Newton John

At sunrise the sailors on the bridge do sanitary. This means they sweep, mop, clean windows, tidy and re-stock the coffee mess and give the head a good cleaning. 

Lots of times they like to get started just before it gets light so they can knock off a little early.  

This morning it was just getting light. I was maneuvering for fishing boats and one of the sailors starts to clean the head (the John for any who are confused). I've got my headlamp on and am sipping coffee and am using binoculars to spot lights in the haze.  

One of the sailors comes out of the head with a scrubby and some 409 (the other sailor is on the bridge wing acting as lookout - I have a two man watch in these congested waters).  

Sailor, scrubby in hand:  you know who's fine? 

I turn around with a blank stare.  

Sailor:  Olivia Newton John

I maintain my blank stare.  

Sailor:  She's so fine. I'd do her. She's haaawt!  I love her.  

Me:  oh yeah... 

Sailor:  yep.  

Then he goes back in the head and keeps scrubbing.  

Weird.  

M.L.I.S.W. :: The Man In The Rubber Mask

During this last rotation at work we had a fair bit of time in San Diego (due to a really good bad day).  I was going ashore with the Port Captain and First Assistant Engineer.

We're waiting in the rental car at the bottom of the gangway (maybe someone forgot something aboard...can't remember why we were waiting...).  

Anyways, we're sitting there gabbing away when I look up and see one of my AB's walking down the gangway.

I say:  What.The.Fuck.

Then the First Assistant Engineer says:  What.The.Fuck.

Then the Port Captain looks at me like:  Are you going to do something about this?!

Then we all look at each other and burst into laughter.

One of my strangest AB's of all times (like strange enough to rival the hole digger) was on his way down the gangway to go ashore.....wearing a rubber mask..... 

I mean, just the fact that he felt he had enough room in his seabag for a rubber mask is strange....

Nautie Friends, if that's not weird I don't know what is.

Eons ago, I dubbed the phrase, 'My Life Is So Weird'.  It's become a bit of a joke in my family but, now, when I have these moments where I have to double check to make sure this is real life I call them M.L.I.S.W. moments.  You can read a bunch of them here.  

M.L.I.S.W :: Scrubbin' Turds

It doesn't matter that my last M.L.I.S.W was about poop does it?  I mean....poop is funny. 

I went into the head the other day and there was poop all over the toilet.  I quickly closed the door and ran up to my own room to use the loo.

I went in the same head again yesterday and there it was. The same smear of poo.

I was so grossed out that I got on my gloves and scrubbed the crusty turds from the side of the bowl.  I mean, apparently Chief Mate Doodies are all encompassing.  (see what I did there?)

...but as I was scrubbing I got thinking...how does one actually poop on the rim of the toilet bowl?  I mean it had been established before that there may be someone onboard with a bum like a cat.

...and then I realized...it kind of looked like someone pooped their pants and then shook the turds out into the bowl.  Don't you agree? 

I should have been pissed that I was scrubbing crusty turds...but I was just having so much fun thinking about someone pooping their pants that I couldn't be too mad! 

M.L.I.S.W :: I'm a Chauvinist

I realize I just posted a M.L.I.S.W. Moment but this one was too funny to pass up!  

Shipmate:  If a Chiefs job opens up I'm taking it!

Me:  You know, I sailed for a year and passed up two promotions before taking a Chief Mates job...

Shipmate:  Nah, I'd take it!  I'd be freaking out!  But, I'd do it!

Me:  Women are statistically less likely to take a leap like that you know....I just read a book talking all about this....

Shipmate:  Oh god....don't tell me you're a chauvinist....

I'm pretty sure he meant feminist.....awesome.....

M.L.I.S.W :: Cat Bums

I'm back at work - and you know what that means - more absolutely bizarre conversations. My Life Is So Weird. Back ground: after we've been in port for a few days house sanitary tends to slip by the wayside and sometimes the common heads get pretty yucky...like rivals a third world nation hole in the ground yucky...

I had to go to the bathroom really bad and opened the door to the head. It looked like someone had had explosive diarrhea. I almost threw up in my mouth - slammed the door shut and then ran up a deck to the next common head. (For the record I could use my own head but that's about four decks up...too far!). I fly open the next door and there is no toilet paper.

I was standing in the passage way trying to make a decision. Do I run and get TP? Do I run up to my own room? Do I grab some paper napkins from the galley?

Just then the First Assistant Engineer walks by and sees me awkwardly standing in the passageway.

1AE: you okay mate?

ME: I need some toilet paper.

1AE: ummm. (Insert: I can tell he thinks I just pooped my pants and have a mess to clean up...). Too much information?

ME: no, I mean there is none in here...and the head down a deck....have you seen it?

1AE: all I know is someone on here has a butthole like a cat.

Pause...

We both start laughing hysterically.

clearly these instructions go unheeded...

M.L.I.S.W :: The Dongbang Giant

I came up for my morning watch and start checking out the ships in  our vicinity.  I click on the AIS icon for a ship that we're slowly overtaking.  AIS provides all the information that you see in the photo.  Anyways, I immediately start giggling because I have the sense of humor of a three year old.  The ships name was The Dongbang Giant No.1.  Now if that doesn't either sound like the name of a super famous porn star or the name of a dildo in a sex toy shop then I just don't know what does....

ME:  The Dongbang Giant No. 1?!

Second Mate:  The Dongbang Giant has been such a pain in my ass...

ME:  The Dongbang Giant has been a pain in your ass.....*giggles*

Second Mate:  Oh.my.god.  They wouldn't get out of my way - they've been in front of me alll night long....

ME:  *uncontrollable giggling*

The Second Mate had had a very long watch and did not see the humor in all of this.